I Saw A Film Today… The Tourist

In truth, I’m not much of a Johnny Depp fan. Now before I get hateful emails from the entire female race, let me elaborate. It’s not that I think he’s a bad actor. I think he is fantastic in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Secret Window. It’s just that he is a good actor, not some acting god that teenage girls make him out to be just because he wears eyeliner and dresses like a pirate. Maybe I’m being too critical based upon an outside influence but that is a different discussion for a different time. This time around ole Johnny plays opposite my favorite leading lady, miss Angelina Jolie in The Tourist.

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Elise (Jolie) is under the  surveillance of Scotland Yard. Why? Because she knows Alexander Pearce, who is wanted by the Yard for Tax evasion in the sum of ₤744 million. While Elise is sitting at a Italian cafe, she receives a letter from Pearce. In the letter he explicitly tells her to get on a train and find someone who could resemble him in order to throw the coppers of their trail.

Elise picks Frank (Depp) as her decoy, A scruffy looking American teacher on vacation. This leads to a night where Elise romances Frank into a kiss… and then makes him sleep on the couch. The next morning Frank wakes up to find Elise gone and men with guns after him.

Eventually Elise saves Frank (as all people do). From here lines get blurred. Is Elise who she says she is? Is Frank who he says he is? Is the English actor Rufus Sewell the man known as Pearce?

In the end, The Tourist is a hot mess of a film filled with thriller clichés and linear acting. If you somehow managed to make it to the conclusion of the film and learn how it all ends, you feel like you were just pranked by Hollywood, as if Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out from behind you and slap you in the face.

To clarify, you can see the ending coming a mile away. But when it does finally come, you feel betrayed. You feel as if the film should have had a note at the end saying “Thanks for the money you poor, poor, sucker”. But then again, it’s not just the ending that gave you this feeling, it’s the entire bloody film.

I also can’t think of a more recent film that had such a talented cast in that all that talent is squandered. With such great actors as Paul Bettany, Rufus Sewell, and Timothy Dalton available, you would think that they would be utilized more. But no, they end up being nothing more than bit players.

The leads are just about as effective. Depp is completely boring and brings nothing. It’s like he just showed up after reading the script for the first time the day before and winged it the rest of the shoot. Jolie tries to do what she can with her role. But when a movie as two dimensional as this one is lined up with how the role should be portrayed, the character in the end gets overwhelmed.

The one good thing about The Tourist is its beautiful location. The Italian towns are a joy to look at. But in truth if I wanted to see the Italian scenery as I just described, I could just as easily use Google Image and save myself $9.50.

Verdict: SKIP IT!

So do you have an opinion about The Tourist? Leave your comments and thoughts below.

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